So here I am. It's 4:53am and I'm a mother of an almost one year old who can't sleep. After laying in bed for over an hour rolling around and not being able to shut my brain down I think, "Wow, now's the time to start that famous blog I've always wanted to have.". I'm about to throw myself out to the world right now and all I can think about is, why can't I be sleeping?
Only a select few know that know me know the full extent of my struggles. I'm not here to ask for pity or think that by talking about my problems maybe everyone will just 'GET IT'. Because when you live with an anxiety disorder you feel like no body gets it.
I have GAD. I know what you're thinking, 'Stay away, she's contagious!! We'll all get it!'. But what is GAD? Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a nagging anxiety disorder where you can't shut your brain off from worry. Basically you constantly worry about every detail in your life and your thoughts loop around from one worry to the next. It's said to be one of the hardest anxiety disorders to treat. Lucky me! I've had GAD every since I can remember. I was officially diagnosed about five or six years ago. It has pretty much impacted every event and decision for my whole life. Basically it effects every day (and night) of my life. So if you were wondering why a mother of a soon to be toddler wasn't taking full advantage of every moment of sleep, this is why.
So why can't I just stop worrying and get over it? I hope you're not one of those people that think mental illness is a made up excuse for people to throw their problems at and say, 'Hey it's not my fault. I have a disorder!'. I know that some people do think that they have no responsibility for themselves. I am not one of those people. I don't go around telling people I have severe (sometimes debilitating) worry, and then act like a brat because I have an excuse to. This is a real disorder. Most of the time it's scary and raw. I don't get a lot of sleep, I worry about the same thing a million times a day, I've suffered with depression, I feel like I can't live a normal life, I struggle with human interaction a lot, I get physically sick and shake from worry, I over think EVERY THING, and although I try to fight it I feel like worry owns me. And maybe worst of all, I feel like no one gets it.
Why am I blogging? It's simple really. I want to tell my story. Yes, I'm one of THOSE people. I need my story told! But don't we all need our story told sometimes? I'd love to find other mother's, or just people, who are struggling with anxiety disorders, depression, or any other mental illness that feel like they have to hide. DON'T HIDE. Trust me, it only makes it worse. You don't have to write a blog about it, or even tell a bunch of people. Tell the people that count. And tell them often. Find the one's you can trust and don't be afraid to tell them what you're thinking (or worrying) about today.
Now that I've told my story, and gotten on my soap box about having a mental disorder. I'd like to go to bed. Is that too much to ask? I'd ask my brain but it would just say, 'Yes Nikki, that's way to much to ask... Now I don't think you've worried enough about that doctors appointment you have tomorrow... Shall we continue with that?'
I'm sure you're now even more concerned with my mental health since I've begun talking to myself. But that's just how anxiety is. You have to talk yourself down from a ledge sometimes.
Goodnight friends.
